Freedom Park

I saw myself a few years back
a brave man like I thought I was
a look of disgrace I give
not to others but
to the unholy, ungrateful,
and demeaning creature,
that is myself.
  I am unworthy and don't tell me otherwise.
I look at the kids that run around
and bathe in the glow that their laughter gives
I look at the kids and see them
in their homes watching telly
and get jealous of the eyes that has
the luck the see their beautiful country
their skin which feels the cool wind and scorching heat of the sun
each and every day
  I look at their shoes
how proud it must feel to carry the soil
that is marked by the blood of our ancestors.
Then I look at mine.
Maybe if I had stayed
I would be as clean, not having to live in a rugged land, nor have
torn clothes and dry skin.
I would have been a handsome man
better than what I am, i'm sure
working in a similar job but with a different life.
  All I wanted was freedom
Freedom like the children that ran about
and the birds that flew over me.
All I wanted was freedom
like the name of the foreign park suggested
but all I got was dead grass
and dead dreams.

-Nikki Gautam

Chinese Doll

I'm as empty as can be
made without love nor gratitude of life
as similar to the others I presume to be
made without specialty
a familiar face
to the loved towards the unloved
  Unknown to the maker
As far as I know
I am alone
for I am just another doll that
the poor toy maker made, out of pressure
Pressure to survive and live on
Pressure by his job
using the same clay
and the same colours
that his old, wicked eyes could see
each time at random
to decorate my useless life.
  I am useless as can be
and I have told you already
a sincere sorry from the side of the clay
but in my offence you shall not speak
after you find out that I do have no work
rather than to repeat everything I say
Repeat like an echo
something that forms in an empty room
I repeat as an echo for I am empty
I am empty from within
my heart does not beat, for I am heartless
Don't hate me yet
I am already full of self hate and I require no more of your help
Let me tell you, I am happy
because that's the only thing that makes me full
Self hate makes the emptiness disappear
I am as  whole as an empty Chinese Doll.

- Nikki Gautam