a cool girl

a yes man

I listen to the type of music only you can relate to

for that particular time

to block out the screaming that surrounds

more often than not, the music exists and I do not

call me a cool girl

cause our playlists match

you’ve now aligned yourself to my path

so all I see are the scars on your face that’s too personal to talk about

lie to me with your tongue in my mouth

you’re a cool girl

someone who doesn’t do ‘love’ or ‘dating’

like these words have been burnt on your head

as a mark that screams not to go further

I’m a cool girl

cause I ‘vibe’ with you

I don’t give you issues of attachment

I set you free

I’m a cool girl, you don’t have to make romantic gestures to impress me

in your eyes, I’ve been impressed since the first time you told me I’m funny for a girl

you tell your friends I’m a cool girl

I’m effortless

like food being served to you but you never even said you were hungry

someone who doesn’t make a big deal when you mess up

I’m cool with anything, I’m an easy going person you can do anything to

as long as it’s inside the hotel room

where too many bodies had been entangled

all being a blur of what we could be, but decided not to

I’m a cool girl cause can crack a joke with your friends and not get offended

you have me today, you can choose not to tomorrow

and I’ll be fine with it

I’m a cool girl, you can tell me you like some other cool girl

and I accept it without drama

I’m a cool girl, so deep into being the way you want me to be

forgetting to understand who I am and will be

I’m a manifestation of your wishes

your validation keeps me happy

take away the ‘cool’, I have now become no one

and I will dissolve into the next cool girl in your life

I had never even existed in the first place

I’m nothing but a person you want me to be

until one day, you don’t.

-nn

if tomorrow

living with guilt, my presence makes me vomit

a shade of black 

I see it everywhere

mistakes up my sleeves

eyes dripping of salt

the tears have aged, they don’t see meaning to this anymore

I force out a sob

it’s been a tough day, but when hasn’t it?

the music has stopped, the instrument has gone

but the sounds remain

empty feeling crawling up to the neck

like waves on the beach, they’re coming towards me

if tomorrow I don’t wake up, don’t sing for me

the dead cannot listen

don’t write me a letter, the words are cheaper than lies

feel me, in your chest

an ache, a hollowness

I reside in you as a body of someone’s thoughts

it never left me, it’ll never leave you

until you go crazy from the pain

if tomorrow I don’t wake up

don’t get scared of my body

i’m just tired

my skin changing colours from overworking my mind

so vast it turned into the sea

the night sky has lost its meaning

-nn

red flag

Put a red flag in me

for my beating heart

pumping so loud

people can hear it

if they tried

To listen

put a red flag in front of me

for my eyes are blue

reflecting the waves

I have submerged myself into

there’s an anchor

that pulls me lower

lower

into the nothingness

and darkness

put a red flag on me

an abomination

too sensitive or too cruel

doesn’t talk

talks too much

my existence contradicting itself

I shouldn't be here

but I am

I exist so I live

-nn

exist

I dont believe that I exist
my mind is my own palace
I never leave
in conversations I hear
I do not listen
quiet now, the palace has its own music
I exist only in my head
call my name so I know
I know
I know I exist
I'm a void, so empty
do I cover up space?
do people see me when I move?
or am I alive only in my head?
I have no relations
sabotaging everything in my path
call my name so I know
I don't know
I exist.

ever since.

Since you left my colours don't have clothes and food doesn't approve of tongue
the world has shunned me out
and I have too with distaste
the wind has needles and the needles they pierce my skin
they come at me, it hurts when I think
they whisper, they tell me different kinds of things
like the fact that you're not coming back
dishes left unwashed at the sink

I look in the mirror
the only person who hadn't left
a window to a different world
a bottle of champagne left unpaid at the check
I relied on her, didn't dare to look
she's supposed to be there, no matter how much time I took

but there's someone else there
I don't recognize who
it's not looking at me
it's too disgusted to see
its skin is the colour of my thoughts
an image too dark, a scene uncanny

it looks different
it looks kind of familiar
her face and life betrayed
she has a lot of scars
an unacceptable past
I know her
I can finally see
she's my reflection, I couldn't lie
since you left
it hasn't looked me in the eye.




-nn

flowers on the curtains

I count the flowers each day

and each day they’re different in colour

different in numbers

from the garden to the room

and in the room my eyes, closed

I yearn to feel the flowers on my pads of my fingers

a single layer of dust adorning the petals

I wish to devour it

to smell it

the roughness of the flowers as I bite it

unsinkable

I swallow it, I cannot breathe

the flowers cannot be swallowed, I cannot breathe

the next day there are people in the room

I can feel it, their tears wiped away the dust

the flowers are now clean

they’re different, they’re pretty

I wish to touch them

to feel something, anything, but I am dead

asleep, eyes closed

my tongue choking me as I lay

it wants the flowers, it wants to be pretty

I wrap the flowers around my wrists, so beautiful, so much indeed

indebt to the colour matching my view, thump, thump, thump

i’m not alive, am I?

my neck adorns the flowers

sinks into my throat

I have flowers both in and out of me, I am now whole

they sink too far into my flesh

it hurts

thump. thump. thump.

i cannot breathe.

i cannot move.

i am me.

the curtains have closed.

-nn

unhung branches

Unhung branches they cover my trees 

i’m imaginary 

it’s written on some of my tees

unhung branches they cover my sleeves

they’re imaginary 

It’s stained on some of my glees

unhung branches they cover my breeze 

it’s imaginary 

it’s sticky and unwashed like grease 

its sweat has me tainted 

i’m being drained from it all 

i’m turning into a puddle of my own dark grey pool 

my end is near 

and only a colour blind artist can make use of me 

make good use of me 

for I am who I am from within 

I am dead.

-nn