Rather

Why live when you'd rather be dead
because you'd be doing
anything else instead.
I don't want to do the things they want me to
And I don't want to hang on to the word they say
I'd rather be hanging from the ceiling any day.
I don't want to look at the sky anymore
No matter what, the stars or the clouds, the theme of the hour is
I don't want to feel the wind on my face
And i'd rather be dead instead
Because the air I feel as I jump from the 10th floor of a building
Gives the same feeling as the wind on my face
As I stand on the ground.
I'd rather be smiling in my grave
Than acting all fake
For those of whom who don't even care
Of my lively dare
Call me a pessimist or any mystical creature you'd like
But i'd rather be dreaming of Hogwarts in my decayed mind
Than being judged here in this world
For the things I never find.
And i'd rather screw my mind
Than to let others screw me over again and again
Because i'd rather blow my brains out
And see the walls spattered with my black blood
Than to see those walls full of something else instead
Like memories and laughs
And poems and cracks
And i'd rather be dead
Because then only would my unworthy self be suffice
Enough for not
Being betrayed or feeling unloved
Or the pain and anguish they cause.
Because being dead beats being empty on the inside
Any day on any time
Because the time that I spend on my days
Sulking
Would be better if i'd have been sulking
In my grave instead.
Because I know my worth
And it's better than this
So i'd rather kill myself
Than let every other person
Do it for me
Or rather
Do it for themselves instead.

-Nikki Gautam