'the worst mistake of my life would be to let you go.'
I knew you'd leave, i just wasn't sure it'd be that soon.
from the first day I had met you, I fell in love with the idea of being with you
I spent my days daydreaming about playing with your hair, imagining what you looked like munching on chips with your mouth full
and the best part was, you had told me you felt the same.
'my bucket list will be cleared out, but only with you by my side.'
I never liked the idea of love but I liked the idea of being in your arms.
I never liked anything about myself but I liked the things you used to say about me.
I never liked to be afraid
but I liked to be afraid of losing you.
I never liked to breathe
but I liked the idea of breathing beside you, everyday.
the best part was, you had said you felt the same way.
'i like her just one percent, I love you the whole ninety nine.'
The moons and the stars have all felt my screams
and the ground beneath me has touched my tears
there was a tornado inside of me
and it had left wounds in places covered by sleeves
So you came along and told me I was beautiful
it took a month but I finally started believing it
the tornado turned into a gust of wind so I told you I loved you
and that you were the best thing that had ever happened to me
and the best part was, you said you felt the same.
'don't worry, I spend an hour with her a day but I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you.'
my skin crawled looking at myself
i'm disgusting
all I ever saw was darkness everywhere
I never had a future, cause it was all dark
I knew I would be miserable and I knew I'd be lonely
I knew where I'd be and I knew I would have killed myself
maybe in a month or maybe in a year
but I knew there was no sight better than the feel of skin and flow of blood.
your talks were always about the future
and so I told you
that I didn't see the dark anymore
I wasn't lovely anymore and that darkness wasn't what I saw
I saw Saturdays spent in bed laughing and watching telly with you
instead of the grave I thought I'd be in.
And the best part was, you said you had felt the same
'I miss you, every cell. I stalk you. yeah I need help for that.'
I cried most of my nights until I passed out
and starved myself until there was nothing
I hated myself more than anything
and my wrists were tired of the sharp edges
until you came along and told me I was beautiful
you made me feel special
so I stopped the violence to myself
cause I had found someone who loved me.
so I told you I loved you and that I'd never let you go.
and the best part was, you said you felt the same.
'I don't like celebrating anniversaries every month, we should celebrate it at the 6th month. '
My days were so much better, I was so happy.
I thought I deserved to be happy, I thought I was good enough, cause a person thought I was.
'I would say I am a good boyfriend but I don't have any balance left, I'll call you tomorrow morning before you even shit. I love you baby.'
your last words.
three months and 16 days
you stop talking the day after
I wait, checking my phone every minute for the call.
you don't pick up.
I keep my phone to recharge at ninety seven percent so that it's always on and sit beside the socket till 4 A.M for a text.
you don't reply.
'I love you'
it was a lie?
I spent my days recharging my phone with money , so that when you finally picked up the phone, you would talk to me about your problem
and we'd solve it together.
I dreamt of the days I was going to spend with you
so I cancelled every event and every plan
and craved for you everyday.
'I miss you'
You're lying
12 days of waiting , I hope every hour for your call or text or anything
13th day
I find out that you have a new girl
you found someone else.
I didn't even deserve a goodbye?
that broke something in me that can never ever be repaired
the pain and despair I had felt before returned ten folds
the tears are continuous still and cuts run deeper than ever
I'm not sad, I'm just disappointed
at myself
I knew I could never be loved. I knew I was too ugly to be cared for. I knew I was not good enough for anyone. I knew I never deserved love. I knew I was nothing. I knew no one loved me and I knew I was going to die alone.
I'm disappointed that I forgot about that, that I actually believed your words
after you left now I'm sure more than ever
that whatever I had felt, are actual facts.
thank you for proving that I don't get happiness
and that I don't deserve anything in this world.
I don't mind it when you laugh while I cry
don't worry there won't be a me to think about
You've promised me lies but now I promise you the truth
I'll grant your wish
you'll never have to see my face or hear my voice
I'll be gone
permanently
just like you had always wanted.
thank you for the 3 months
and Making me happy then taking it all away
and Making me believe that my self hatred is necessary.
be happy and think that I'm dead.
thank you for being a part of my life.
thank you.
-nn
I knew you'd leave, i just wasn't sure it'd be that soon.
from the first day I had met you, I fell in love with the idea of being with you
I spent my days daydreaming about playing with your hair, imagining what you looked like munching on chips with your mouth full
and the best part was, you had told me you felt the same.
'my bucket list will be cleared out, but only with you by my side.'
I never liked the idea of love but I liked the idea of being in your arms.
I never liked anything about myself but I liked the things you used to say about me.
I never liked to be afraid
but I liked to be afraid of losing you.
I never liked to breathe
but I liked the idea of breathing beside you, everyday.
the best part was, you had said you felt the same way.
'i like her just one percent, I love you the whole ninety nine.'
The moons and the stars have all felt my screams
and the ground beneath me has touched my tears
there was a tornado inside of me
and it had left wounds in places covered by sleeves
So you came along and told me I was beautiful
it took a month but I finally started believing it
the tornado turned into a gust of wind so I told you I loved you
and that you were the best thing that had ever happened to me
and the best part was, you said you felt the same.
'don't worry, I spend an hour with her a day but I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you.'
my skin crawled looking at myself
i'm disgusting
all I ever saw was darkness everywhere
I never had a future, cause it was all dark
I knew I would be miserable and I knew I'd be lonely
I knew where I'd be and I knew I would have killed myself
maybe in a month or maybe in a year
but I knew there was no sight better than the feel of skin and flow of blood.
your talks were always about the future
and so I told you
that I didn't see the dark anymore
I wasn't lovely anymore and that darkness wasn't what I saw
I saw Saturdays spent in bed laughing and watching telly with you
instead of the grave I thought I'd be in.
And the best part was, you said you had felt the same
'I miss you, every cell. I stalk you. yeah I need help for that.'
I cried most of my nights until I passed out
and starved myself until there was nothing
I hated myself more than anything
and my wrists were tired of the sharp edges
until you came along and told me I was beautiful
you made me feel special
so I stopped the violence to myself
cause I had found someone who loved me.
so I told you I loved you and that I'd never let you go.
and the best part was, you said you felt the same.
'I don't like celebrating anniversaries every month, we should celebrate it at the 6th month. '
My days were so much better, I was so happy.
I thought I deserved to be happy, I thought I was good enough, cause a person thought I was.
'I would say I am a good boyfriend but I don't have any balance left, I'll call you tomorrow morning before you even shit. I love you baby.'
your last words.
three months and 16 days
you stop talking the day after
I wait, checking my phone every minute for the call.
you don't pick up.
I keep my phone to recharge at ninety seven percent so that it's always on and sit beside the socket till 4 A.M for a text.
you don't reply.
'I love you'
it was a lie?
I spent my days recharging my phone with money , so that when you finally picked up the phone, you would talk to me about your problem
and we'd solve it together.
I dreamt of the days I was going to spend with you
so I cancelled every event and every plan
and craved for you everyday.
'I miss you'
You're lying
12 days of waiting , I hope every hour for your call or text or anything
13th day
I find out that you have a new girl
you found someone else.
I didn't even deserve a goodbye?
that broke something in me that can never ever be repaired
the pain and despair I had felt before returned ten folds
the tears are continuous still and cuts run deeper than ever
I'm not sad, I'm just disappointed
at myself
I knew I could never be loved. I knew I was too ugly to be cared for. I knew I was not good enough for anyone. I knew I never deserved love. I knew I was nothing. I knew no one loved me and I knew I was going to die alone.
I'm disappointed that I forgot about that, that I actually believed your words
after you left now I'm sure more than ever
that whatever I had felt, are actual facts.
thank you for proving that I don't get happiness
and that I don't deserve anything in this world.
I don't mind it when you laugh while I cry
don't worry there won't be a me to think about
You've promised me lies but now I promise you the truth
I'll grant your wish
you'll never have to see my face or hear my voice
I'll be gone
permanently
just like you had always wanted.
thank you for the 3 months
and Making me happy then taking it all away
and Making me believe that my self hatred is necessary.
be happy and think that I'm dead.
thank you for being a part of my life.
thank you.
-nn
The ending though makes it so sad.
ReplyDeleteYou don't need to die.
😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍
ReplyDelete