2nd December, 2017

She's timid, she's shy
there's a rumor she can fly
fly and fly like an absolute clown
too high over her head, too egoistic to come down
down to the world
and my world they bestowed
there's only one thing she wants
and it is to be renowned
renowned like their ideas and beliefs
which is locked inside their head
of the type of people who, from the inside are dead
bed to bed she's rumored to go
whispers and rumors like a takeaway cup on the go
go on, go on their mouths would say
but their heart cursing night and day
day and night she dreams to be free
with her people whose words were as sweet as could be
"She's a bad person." they hushed when she walked past
her, not knowing their thoughts, they were vast
gast! her dreams
they're beautiful
but the rumors, to it the people are dutiful
dutiful to share her dreams to others
whoever could be seen
seen like her face but never her heart
the only thing true about her was the fact that she was a piece of art
art crafted with so much love and delicacy
but don't pay heed to that, she's permanently messy.

What you hear and what you say
has a beating heart
aching just to beat another day
a day will come when you'll open your mouth
and nothing will come out
no matter how much you scream and shout
shout in horror and screech in regret
as you hear them speaking of the things you repent
of things only you know is false
but explaining it would be like talking to dolls
and that is when you'll feel an ache
your mind consumed, your body baked
and how much you had once hurt that person from just opening your mouth
how you broke their heart
even when they themselves were in doubt
feel that ache, feel it well
remember my words
I hope you rot in hell.


- nn

Some Days

Some days it's harder to swallow the pills
yet some days I'm ready to drown in it,
open the capsule and let the faults out,
and wonder if that is what will come out of me
when I die of thirst;
and how easy it is to see death blooming in front of you
still so hard to grasp it.
Yet some days I swear my heart beats loud
when I hear the sound
of my shaky breath when the capsule opens wide
and it beats louder still
when its bitterness touches my tongue.
And that is when I realise
where my bitterness for life has come from.
There is no cure,only pain
unless of course
I hit the grave.

-nn

Anonymous

'the worst mistake of my life would be to let you go.'
I knew you'd leave, i just wasn't sure it'd be that soon.
from the first day I had met you, I fell in love with the idea of being with you
I spent my days daydreaming about playing with your hair, imagining what you looked like munching on chips with your mouth full
and the best part was, you had told me you felt the same.
'my bucket list will be cleared out, but only with you by my side.'
I never liked the idea of love but I liked the idea of being in your arms.
I never liked anything about myself but I liked the things you used to say about me.
I never liked to be afraid
but I liked to be afraid of losing you.
I never liked to breathe
but I liked the idea of breathing beside you, everyday.
the best part was, you had said you felt the same way.
'i like her just one percent, I love you the whole ninety nine.'
The moons and the stars have all felt my screams
and the ground beneath me has touched my tears
there was a tornado inside of me
and it had left wounds in places covered by sleeves
So you came along and told me I was beautiful
it took a month but I finally started believing it
the tornado turned into a gust of wind so I told you I loved you
and that you were the best thing that had ever happened to me
and the best part was, you said you felt the same.
'don't worry, I spend an hour with her a day but I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you.'
my skin crawled looking at myself
i'm disgusting
all I ever saw was darkness everywhere
I never had a future, cause it was all dark
I knew I would be miserable and I knew I'd be lonely
I knew where I'd be and I knew I would have killed myself
maybe in a month or maybe in a year
but I knew there was no sight better than the feel of skin and flow of blood.
your talks were always about the future
and so I told you
that I didn't see the dark anymore
I wasn't lovely anymore and that darkness wasn't what I saw
I saw Saturdays spent in bed laughing and watching telly with you
instead of the grave I thought I'd be in.
And the best part was, you said you had felt the same
'I miss you, every cell. I stalk you. yeah I need help for that.'
I cried most of my nights until I passed out
and starved myself until there was nothing
I hated myself more than anything
and my wrists were tired of the sharp edges
until you came along and told me I was beautiful
you made me feel special
so I stopped the violence to myself
cause I had found someone who loved me.
so I told you I loved you and that I'd never let you go.
and the best part was, you said you felt the same.
'I don't like celebrating anniversaries every month, we should celebrate it at the 6th month. '
My days were so much better, I was so happy.
I thought I deserved to be happy, I thought I was good enough, cause a person thought I was.
'I would say I am a good boyfriend but I don't have any balance left, I'll call you tomorrow morning before you even shit. I love you baby.'
your last words.
three months and 16 days
you stop talking the day after
I wait, checking my phone every minute for the call.
you don't pick up.
I keep my phone to recharge at ninety seven percent so that it's always on and sit beside the socket till 4 A.M for a text.
you don't reply.
'I love you'
it was a lie?
I spent my days recharging my phone with money , so that when you finally picked up the phone, you would talk to me about your problem
and we'd solve it together.
I dreamt of the days I was going to spend with you
so I cancelled every event and every plan
and craved for you everyday.
'I miss you'
You're lying
12 days of waiting , I hope every hour for your call or text or anything
13th day
I find out that you have a new girl
you found someone else.
I didn't even deserve a goodbye?
that broke something in me that can never ever be repaired
the pain and despair I had felt before returned ten folds
the tears are continuous still and cuts run deeper than ever
I'm not sad, I'm just disappointed
at myself
I knew I could never be loved. I knew I was too ugly to be cared for. I knew I was not good enough for anyone. I knew I never deserved love. I knew I was nothing. I knew no one loved me and I knew I was going to die alone.
I'm disappointed that I forgot about that, that I actually believed your​ words
after you left now I'm sure more than ever
that whatever I had felt, are actual facts.
thank you for proving that I don't get happiness
and that I don't deserve anything in this world.
I don't mind it when you laugh while I cry
don't worry there won't be a me to think about
You've promised me lies but now I promise you the truth
I'll grant your wish
you'll never have to see my face or hear my voice
I'll be gone
permanently
just like you had always wanted.
thank you for the 3 months
and Making me happy then taking it all away
and Making me believe that my self hatred is necessary.
be happy and think that I'm dead.
thank you for being a part of my life.
thank you.

-nn

I forgot that I'm a girl

It was summer when I first noticed
the stares from the creeps
from wearing shorts and no sleeves
and I was expected to boil in sweat
in my inglorious, protected clothing set
which covered every inch of my body
except above the neck
but yet the stares continued till I died of heat
didn't spare a pitiful glance at the squirming feat
cause no matter how hot it may be
it's an illegal tragedy for a girl to be
dressed in summer clothes
like any other male in town
and I hate myself
all cause I forgot and oh how I shouldn't have forgotten,
forgotten that I was a girl.
  It was summer when the wind finally blew
and the sounds by the wind chimes steadily grew
I had been boiling in heat and unable sleep
all cause of the torture that my room was deep
deep into the closed door and deep into society
I unlocked the balcony door
and smiled as the wind blew
and it was the first time that I had felt such at ease
and felt happy that I could finally be at peace
but the darkness hid many battles unbeat
so I closed the door and checked the bolts twice
and stayed awake while covered in heat
and scolded myself for being at defeat
for the door is never to be opened at night
unless I'd want to be in an unworthy fight
with an unknown man
who hid in the night.
So I cried of torture and cried for being stupid
cause I had forgotten who I was
I had forgotten I was a girl.
  It had been a casual Sunday morning
full of icy breeze
when it had been exactly a week
since my beloved decided to leave
without telling me of course
of course cause I wasn't classified as a human
human who had feelings
human who didn't even deserve a goodbye.
I was then classified as naive
naive for falling in love
with a person who told me they loved me so
in my darkest hour of solitude.
I was then classified as stupid
for believing a guy
for being happy
for being content
for being at peace after years.
So I cried for days and cried till there was no tear left
 I wasn't as evil
and I never left anyone behind
at the end it was all my fault
my fault for not being good enough
I have never hated myself more than now
All cause I forget that I'm a girl.
 



   -Nikki Gautam

Dead and beautiful

Those socks, they're free

of earthly bounding  and temporal greed

but they're dirty as can be

fallen not into ashes but yet they seem to be,

seem to be dead as no one knew it could be

for the dirt had been a long guest

and the floor its home.

Once all mighty and strong it had been

it could see the window with tears of dust and greed

of the rain that washed away the pain,

pain that no one else could see.

Those socks, poor socks they seem to be

taken off harshly and thrown off carelessly

by their own beloved

someone they looked up to be

for what hadn't they done, they'd done everything they could

they could hide her pain

and would hide her tears

for she trusted them and they never got her down.

They wish she got down now

got down from the high,

but it was too late

all because they couldn't hide it

couldn't keep it

inside .

It came out and it came out like an army

almost like it was ready for battle

and a battle it sure had been

for if it hadn't been for the socks

people would know, it seems.

It seems no one knew

that's why the socks were still dirty

and the windows cried yet with marks of tears

on its shiny smooth surface,

no one knew

no one cared

cared that she got on the chair

and jumped but

she never hit the ground

never to be seen again.

The socks can't hide her

nor can the mighty sleeves

for when only the blind can see the pain

the sighted get defeated, it feels.

It felt like years

years ago when she climbed up

and hung herself to sleep

but it had been just days

days till anyone had even bothered to see

the girl with the friendly socks

and the mighty sleeves.

So the socks lay dirty

dirty and unworn

unworn since days

before its master

decided finally to be happy.

- Nikki Gautam

Rather

Why live when you'd rather be dead
because you'd be doing
anything else instead.
I don't want to do the things they want me to
And I don't want to hang on to the word they say
I'd rather be hanging from the ceiling any day.
I don't want to look at the sky anymore
No matter what, the stars or the clouds, the theme of the hour is
I don't want to feel the wind on my face
And i'd rather be dead instead
Because the air I feel as I jump from the 10th floor of a building
Gives the same feeling as the wind on my face
As I stand on the ground.
I'd rather be smiling in my grave
Than acting all fake
For those of whom who don't even care
Of my lively dare
Call me a pessimist or any mystical creature you'd like
But i'd rather be dreaming of Hogwarts in my decayed mind
Than being judged here in this world
For the things I never find.
And i'd rather screw my mind
Than to let others screw me over again and again
Because i'd rather blow my brains out
And see the walls spattered with my black blood
Than to see those walls full of something else instead
Like memories and laughs
And poems and cracks
And i'd rather be dead
Because then only would my unworthy self be suffice
Enough for not
Being betrayed or feeling unloved
Or the pain and anguish they cause.
Because being dead beats being empty on the inside
Any day on any time
Because the time that I spend on my days
Sulking
Would be better if i'd have been sulking
In my grave instead.
Because I know my worth
And it's better than this
So i'd rather kill myself
Than let every other person
Do it for me
Or rather
Do it for themselves instead.

-Nikki Gautam

Next time

Next time you call my name
it might not be me who turns back
to look at the caller
and instead of a smiling face
with surprised happiness written all over it
it might be a frown
an annoyed face at the coincidence of a similar name
for being called by an unknown person
at the jostle on the streets
For when you call
I might not be here
cause next time you call my name
it might be someone else, to replace me.

  Next time you ring the doorbell
It might not be me who opens the door
to greet you with a hug
for the neighbours love my mother's homemade pie
and it might be a bearded guy
or an old lady
To replace my presence in the house.
A dead presence is always unwanted
and I might not be here
Cause next time you ring the doorbell
I might be long gone to heaven.

  Next time you send me a text
it might not be me who replies
cause you get angry whenever I type slow
and instead of waiting for an hour for a reply
you might have to wait a lifetime.
The path to heaven is solid
and too hard to resist
So next time you text me
I might not be in the other side
typing fast to go back to work
cause the world revolves fast
and someone else could take my place easily
Without anyone noticing
Except a filled grave.

 Next time you call me
It might not be me who picks up the phone
for numbers are tricky, we both know that.
They are hard to live with
and a small mistake
lets down an empire.
So the next time you call me
I might not be the receiver
scoffing at the disturbance.
Cause disturbances are very common these days
and someone else might take my place
to pick up your phone call
and hear you speak
while heart stays shut
echoing the pain it keeps hidden.

  Next time you talk shit about me
it might not be me who cries
after hearing it
it might be a weeping parent
or a devastated sibling
coming to their daughter's home
to hear of why their sweet child
decided to make another hole
in their world.
And of course I will get replaced
and so will your words
For the moment I got the ground
your words turn sweeter
if only I had proved
that there would be no next time
maybe then would the world
treat me like someone
who cannot be replaced.

-Nikki Gautam

Lonely

I told the people around me
that I was feeling very lonely
So they picked me up
and cut me a cake
then left me to feed on my misery .
No one believes that I am sad
maybe cause of the way I act
Around the people that I have known
Because they knew me once so
and how jolly I used to be
before I pretended to drown in my misery.
  I laugh at my friend's joke
and cry tears of laughter
at her silly wits, brain near the moon.
I talk to her all day long
but at night she goes along
In the darkness, like me.
Out of all the people that had told me that they were there for me
She is the only one who smiles at me
Maybe that's why it didn't matter
that the only friend I have
is the mirror by the nightstand
Because my friends told me, I am not alone.
  I wave at my sister and she waves back at me
She looks so beautiful in the sunlight, unlike me
Her smile is too bright for me
too bright for a reason alone
I love talking to her, she's the only person who listens to me.
Out of all the people who had said they loved me, she is the only one who's here for me.
Every time I cry, she cries too
and when I shake, it's like she's shaking too.
I love my sister cause she checks up on me
When I look for her, I see her face looking for me too.
A frog distorted my view once
as it swam on the lake
and splashed the water, splashed away her memories.
Even though me and my sister are the same
She still has more beauty and fame
My reflection on water is the only sister I have.
Because my sisters told me, I am not alone.
  I laugh as I run to catch the ball flying past me
like the wind that cannot be tamed
my happiness has no boundaries
I don't catch the sun
but I catch the  look on my brother's face
as he grins from ear to ear
Joyous at his victory.
I love my brother, he always has time for me
When I text him, he never fails to text me back
I didn't realise that I had been sitting on the park bench
covered in sweat and tears
staring the the two siblings ahead, full of happiness and content
too busy playing to care
It didn't matter to me, that the only time I was happy
Was when I imagined myself free
Free with my friends, as close as brothers I dare to dream
I imagined myself in place of others'
and tried to imagine myself happy
Happy as everyone seems to be
My only brother is in my mind
Because my brother told me, I am not lonely
  My best friend is quiet
He doesn't like to talk
He's more into listening than speaking
and into sitting than walking.
He is the only person who loves me
The only friend I have
when i'm sad, he gives me company
he's all I see
even when it's snowy
Maybe that's why it didn't matter
that my best friend was a pebble
A pebble I had found in my backyard .
At the end there was no one there for me
except my pebble, my best friend forever to be.
Because my best friend told me, I am not alone.
  A stranger came to me
She knew I was sick
so she hugged me, along with a kiss
She said that she was sick too
looked awfully bad
 So I offered her my help, some tea and maybe even some snacks.
She smiled as I took the pill, to help me cure my disease
I was her first priority, I was very happy.
She nodded for me to continue and so I did
And took another pill, for my only friend.
Then I waved at the fridge  and took one for her, smiled at the door and laughed at the mat.
I knew they were in pain, so I look a pill for each
Each of my friends
who had been there.
My only friends
my trusty lamp and dusty frame, beautiful books and busty chairs.
We all laughed as I took the pills which I knew would help them too
For, they had tried to cure mine, it was my duty to cure theirs.
All they had done was listen to me
but that was the best gift to be
Maybe i'll find friends finally
who will love me unconditionally
Maybe my cruelty made me lonely
My jealousy of the dead
That the dead get more love
than me
Even though I am dead as well, dead from the inside  
The ones inside their coffins, have it more easy
I am dead too, now listen to me
I wish to die, to stop the loneliness
So that i can finally get the love I crave
The happiness, the peace, it's all buried beneath me
All I need to do is decay
so that my friends finally appreciate me
and i'll finally get love and hope and prosperity.


-Nikki Gautam

Freedom Park

I saw myself a few years back
a brave man like I thought I was
a look of disgrace I give
not to others but
to the unholy, ungrateful,
and demeaning creature,
that is myself.
  I am unworthy and don't tell me otherwise.
I look at the kids that run around
and bathe in the glow that their laughter gives
I look at the kids and see them
in their homes watching telly
and get jealous of the eyes that has
the luck the see their beautiful country
their skin which feels the cool wind and scorching heat of the sun
each and every day
  I look at their shoes
how proud it must feel to carry the soil
that is marked by the blood of our ancestors.
Then I look at mine.
Maybe if I had stayed
I would be as clean, not having to live in a rugged land, nor have
torn clothes and dry skin.
I would have been a handsome man
better than what I am, i'm sure
working in a similar job but with a different life.
  All I wanted was freedom
Freedom like the children that ran about
and the birds that flew over me.
All I wanted was freedom
like the name of the foreign park suggested
but all I got was dead grass
and dead dreams.

-Nikki Gautam

Chinese Doll

I'm as empty as can be
made without love nor gratitude of life
as similar to the others I presume to be
made without specialty
a familiar face
to the loved towards the unloved
  Unknown to the maker
As far as I know
I am alone
for I am just another doll that
the poor toy maker made, out of pressure
Pressure to survive and live on
Pressure by his job
using the same clay
and the same colours
that his old, wicked eyes could see
each time at random
to decorate my useless life.
  I am useless as can be
and I have told you already
a sincere sorry from the side of the clay
but in my offence you shall not speak
after you find out that I do have no work
rather than to repeat everything I say
Repeat like an echo
something that forms in an empty room
I repeat as an echo for I am empty
I am empty from within
my heart does not beat, for I am heartless
Don't hate me yet
I am already full of self hate and I require no more of your help
Let me tell you, I am happy
because that's the only thing that makes me full
Self hate makes the emptiness disappear
I am as  whole as an empty Chinese Doll.

- Nikki Gautam